PIRACY BULLSHIT DETECTOR (PORTSMOUTH, 1758)
Those cowardly vultures
With their tousled locks
Declaring their love for the Portuguese Princess!
With loud mouthed stories about how
They'd once belted a homeless man in the kisser
Or how they read De Sade in the dark
Not a man among them; I saw them shit their pants
The day we encountered the sea serpent
100 metres of scaley green death
Those shitting cunts tossed off sigils to Kali
"Oh save us mother of all assassins!" they wailed
And the Portuguese Princess, left abandoned, below deck
While these cowardly motherfucks wept and sobbed
Like Moomins in a concentration camp
But I punched the ponce snake beast on the nose
The sea serpent bottled it, the fucking shitting cunt
And slipped off back to Malta
To feast on baby goats and unbaptised mites
"Phew! Praise the heavens!" the poltroons gushed
Before running to the Portuguese Princess, in guffaws
Screaming, "We repelled the most fearsome beast of the sea!"
I'm telling you
Think you're some pirate?
A nappy-shitting sprat more like
Don't even fucking smirk
You're making yourself look the clown, son
They're not eavesdropping and thinking "He's the clown"
They're thinking you're the clown
They fucking are, right
The sea serpent
Decked the cunt